Wei Tong's

You weren’t an asshole and that was the problem.

See, before I met you, I was used to the unhealthy, back-and-forth relationships that I was a part of for years. I thought it was normal when your boyfriend would forget your birthday or to be called a cunt when he didn’t get his way. 

So when I met you, a.k.a., Mr. I’mAGreatGuyAndGenuinelyCareAboutYou…I was thrown off. We clicked. Conversation wasn’t forced, the attraction was there, and everything seemed to make sense. It wasn’t difficult with you and I knew deep down it never would be. You were one of the most genuine people I had ever met. I knew you would not be malicious, nor treat me like a piece of shit. You didn’t have a single bad bone in your body.

You were everything I was searching for; the happiness I had hoped would find its way to me. But once it was right there in front of me, I resorted back to my unhealthy mentality. 

I needed an asshole. I needed the fighting, the mental abuse. I needed the anxiety, the paranoia and hurt. You would not put me through any of this, and because of that, I let you go.

I realized very quickly how much of a mistake that was, but it was too late. Your greatness was being appreciated by someone else and our journey came to an end. 

Though it stung for quite some time, I had no one to blame but myself. 

I had finally met someone who was good for me and it scared me half to death. Mentally, I was not healed from all of the abuse I had gone through. Your kindness was foreign to me. Like most things in my life, timing was not on my side. 

You are happy now, and I am happy too. It took time for me to accept the mistake I made, but I know that everything worked out the way it was supposed to. 

You may not read this letter because quite frankly, you may not know it is about you. We haven’t talked in what seems like forever, but there are moments where I’ll think of you and feel a rush of what could have been.

They say you don’t know what you have until it is gone.

God, how right they were. 

I want you to imagine this: a girl sitting on her bedroom floor, dry-heaving, her body convulsing with each failed attempt at silencing the sobs, banging her fists onto the ground as she tried to make sense of it all. Now, I want you imagine my face because that girl was me, and I was never good enough for you. I was constantly coming second to dozens of other girls. You made me feel completely worthless. You emotionally ruined me.

I know I’m not the same girl that was on my bedroom floor that night, because I would never give someone complete power over me where I lost control; complete power over me where I felt I was worthless.

I was consumed by nothing but negativity, and for a while I thought you were my only source of light. I was drowning and every single day I woke up and hoped your hand would pull me up to the surface and save me. I was wrong. That night was the night I realized your hand was never there to save me, but instead there to push me deeper below the surface. The only hand I needed was my own.

I know you’re a good person, but next time you ask yourself what it was you ever did to me I want you to think of the girl crying on her bedroom floor. I want you to think of the girl that couldn’t sleep because the nightmares were worse than reality, which had become her own personal hell. I want you to think of the girl who couldn’t eat because she had no appetite from the anxiety caused from thinking she did something wrong. I want you to think of the girl who hated herself so much she had to force herself to get up in the morning, only to crawl back into bed hours later. I want you to think of the girl who had countless silent breakdowns, hoping her parents wouldn’t hear. I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden.

And now I want you to think of the person I have become, and I want you to know that I am thankful for you creating a monster. I’m no longer a monster, and I no longer have to force happiness. No more do I have to seek validation from others that I am worthy. I am thankful you were a part of my life, because you became the best & worst thing to happen to me.

I do hope you’re happy, and just know I don’t regret you. I would never wish for you to experience the same hell as me, I just wish you the same happiness that I can finally experience every day. Thank you for engulfing me in darkness, thank you for helping me grow, and thank you for pushing me further below the surface. Too many great things have come from that darkness. Too many great things have come from you. 

Twitter: @weitongx

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Email: weitongg@hotmail.com