Wei Tong's

love and that alone is enough to make you worth keeping.

I have the memories stored in my brain like a time capsule that won’t ever turn off. But, little by little and day by day, I’m still forgetting what it felt like. I’m forgetting the sensations, the emotions, the knocking on my heart.

I’m forgetting the little things that used to make me glow. I’m forgetting the way my hands felt safe in someone else’s palms. I’m forgetting the way my arms and shoulders relaxed when I leaned into him. I’m forgetting how it felt to kiss someone you love and feel time completely stop. I’m forgetting all the tiny details that I used to adore. Like when he put my hands in his pocket. Or when he first told me he had a crush on me.

What did it feel like? What did it feel like, to be so safe? To be so carefree and relaxed. What did it feel like to be me at seventeen?

Because my hands haven’t been held in so long. I can’t remember the last time I had the privilege of falling into someone’s arms, not being afraid of anything. I can’t remember what it feels like to kiss someone so softly it feels like a whisper of ‘I love you’.

I don’t remember it. I can think about it. I can think back to it, but I can’t feel it anymore. But I want to. I want to feel it right now. I want to remember all of it. But I only remember snippets. I only remember the big moments, not the tiny perfect little ones.

I forget what it feels like to fall asleep next to someone who adores me just as I adore them. I forget what it feels like to feel so confident in someone else. To be so confident in love. To be so confident and to be so convinced that love can conquer all.

I don’t remember what it feels like to believe in happy endings. To believe in the storybook ending that everyone hopes and prays for. What did that feel like? Was I that person? That person who was so sickly in love it made people stop and stare when I walked past them on the sidewalk? Did he and I look like that?

I don’t remember that version of me. The version of me that smiled from ear to ear. The version of me that had no anxiety. The version of me that looked at him and felt my heart skip a beat. The version of me that truly, truly, knew what love as. The version of me that knew that big love could actually happen to someone like me.

People say love never leaves you. People say love is supposed to last forever. But what happens when it starts to fade? What happens when you don’t remember anymore? What happens when you start to forget?

I don’t want to forget the little things. I don’t want to forget anything about his love. But here I am, feeling like I blacked out three years of my life.

It has been quite awhile, just a short update,

It took me a very long time for me to get to this place. This feeling of being ok without somebody beside me. This feeling of actually loving life when i'm not in a committed relationship. This feeling of being ok with me just being me.

I love being single. I love the fact that i don't have to worry about anybody but myself. I love that i have more freedom than i had at fourteen, sixteen or eighteen. I love the fact that i can be on my own and be incredibly happy with just myself. I love having girls night out and not drunk crying about a dumb boy breaking up with me, or about a boyfriend who moved on too quickly.

I love feeling so incredibly free.

But just because i love being single, doesn't mean i never feel lonely. It doesn't mean that on some nights it hits me that i haven't been in love for a long time. It doesn't mean that on some days, i look at couples across from me and think to myself, 'damn, i want that' .

I am independent and strong and i love my life the way it is. But,  that does not mean that i don't want love. And that doesn't mean that i don't ever worry about not finding it.

You can be independent and happily single, while also wishing that you can have a deep and loyal lover. You can be strong and be brave, while also occasionally thinking to yourself that you wouldn't mind having someone sleeping beside you every night.

You see, being single is often linked to not being good enough for someone else. But being single is the perfect opportunity for you to improve yourself , to discover your passions in life, to find out the reason for the beating of your heart, and to know who you are.

~ Thanks for sticking by xx ~

You weren’t an asshole and that was the problem.

See, before I met you, I was used to the unhealthy, back-and-forth relationships that I was a part of for years. I thought it was normal when your boyfriend would forget your birthday or to be called a cunt when he didn’t get his way. 

So when I met you, a.k.a., Mr. I’mAGreatGuyAndGenuinelyCareAboutYou…I was thrown off. We clicked. Conversation wasn’t forced, the attraction was there, and everything seemed to make sense. It wasn’t difficult with you and I knew deep down it never would be. You were one of the most genuine people I had ever met. I knew you would not be malicious, nor treat me like a piece of shit. You didn’t have a single bad bone in your body.

You were everything I was searching for; the happiness I had hoped would find its way to me. But once it was right there in front of me, I resorted back to my unhealthy mentality. 

I needed an asshole. I needed the fighting, the mental abuse. I needed the anxiety, the paranoia and hurt. You would not put me through any of this, and because of that, I let you go.

I realized very quickly how much of a mistake that was, but it was too late. Your greatness was being appreciated by someone else and our journey came to an end. 

Though it stung for quite some time, I had no one to blame but myself. 

I had finally met someone who was good for me and it scared me half to death. Mentally, I was not healed from all of the abuse I had gone through. Your kindness was foreign to me. Like most things in my life, timing was not on my side. 

You are happy now, and I am happy too. It took time for me to accept the mistake I made, but I know that everything worked out the way it was supposed to. 

You may not read this letter because quite frankly, you may not know it is about you. We haven’t talked in what seems like forever, but there are moments where I’ll think of you and feel a rush of what could have been.

They say you don’t know what you have until it is gone.

God, how right they were. 

I want you to imagine this: a girl sitting on her bedroom floor, dry-heaving, her body convulsing with each failed attempt at silencing the sobs, banging her fists onto the ground as she tried to make sense of it all. Now, I want you imagine my face because that girl was me, and I was never good enough for you. I was constantly coming second to dozens of other girls. You made me feel completely worthless. You emotionally ruined me.

I never thought it would be you. 
I never thought I would be staying up until 3 in the morning crying over someone I thought would be with me in the long run. Out of all of the people in my life, I never expected you to be the one to destroy me. I felt so close to you, I opened up my heart and my soul to you, and you scribbled all over it like a child coloring in a coloring book. I let you in and I let you know all of my secrets and stories and memories and you took them all and burned them. Who knew that love could turn someone into a monster. Of course it’s not 100% your fault.. I should’ve known from the start that a stupid teenage boy was capable of breaking my fragile teenage heart. Mom warned me about drugs and alcohol, but never heartbreak or falling in love. Hell maybe drinking a bottle of vodka out of sadness and waking up with a hangover from hell still won’t hurt as bad as you saying you couldn’t love me back. You don’t get it. I gave you everything I was, and I was so willing to give you everything I was going to be, but you didn’t want that and I was too in love with you to realize it. 486 days later and I’m still wishing I could kiss you just once so you’d know exactly what you lost. And oh how your mouth would burn every time you heard my name, and how you’d stay up for days depressed because you let the only girl who loved you more than you loved yourself go. Because truth be told, I’m still madly in love with you, but you’ll never know because you’re just a teenage boy. I still miss you and you’ll always hold a place in my heart. I know I should hate you, and maybe I do.. But like they say, love conquers all.